Shockers and formalities- joint Premier League predictions for the 23/24 season
Better late than never right? Here's a look at each team and predictions for where they might finish come the end of the season
I am aware the Premier League has started, and I intended this to be a podcast with Charley, who is also studying journalism with me and I have to admit knows even more about football than I do, across the board. We recorded it on Tuesday the 8th, but the audio sounded like shit, to put it bluntly. They say a good workman never blames his tools, so I guess I’m not a good workman, because I’m absolutely blaming my tools.
After three days trying to fix the issues, and only covering the first two minutes of a conversation that lasted over an hour, I decided the best solution would be to do written predictions like last year, but seeing as I had a shocker (Liverpool 1st, Brentford bottom), I thought I would get someone in to help me.
What I’ve done is I’ve quoted Charley from the podcast (so it wasn’t a total waste of time, but transcription is a very slow process), and asked him for further input on the specific teams we didn’t cover on the show. We will be looking at every team before revealing where we’ve positioned them, and there will be a full list at the end from both of us.
As I’ve said, I am awful at predicting football, so much so that I haven’t even bothered with a fantasy team this season, after four years of humiliation and questioning whether a career in football discourse is really the right career for me.
These are still my genuine thoughts and predictions though- we will be going alphabetically, and finally, do let us know what you agree/ disagree with. Again, these were made before the Premier League started, and I can assure you there have been no changes made to our predictions or opinions on the teams.
AFC Bournemouth
My thoughts: We start with the team that Charley and I had the strongest disagreement on in terms of difference in position. I think Bournemouth are destined for the drop.
The Cherries looked guaranteed to go down a few games in last season, especially after being pummelled 9-0 by Liverpool and sacking Scott Parker, but Gary O’Neill stepped in and performed miracles, steering them to a respectable 15th place finish. He was, to me, in the bracket for the top five managers of last season. So Bournemouth decided it would be a great idea to sack him.
Maybe this prediction is coming from a place of annoyance at such an unfair decision, but the replacement, I have to say seems mediocre. I just don’t get it.
Interestingly, Bourenmouth should have finished rock bottom last season based on the xG table, which suggests they also might have been quite fortunate, and does not bode well for this season.
They have made signings, and if they prove to be successful, Bournemouth might be just fine. But I’ve made my mind up, and I think they made a huge mistake and they are going to pay the price.
Trust me, within a few games they will be begging for Gary to come back. (Don’t trust me).
Charley’s thoughts: I feel bad for Gary. It was a weird decision and felt disloyal after he did such a cracking job for them.
I don’t know much about the new manager but they must be very confident in him to be bringing him instead of O’Neill.
I do like their transfer business; Bournemouth haven't made one big marquee expensive signing but they have really boosted their squad. Kluivert and Kerkez are very good players and they have got another keeper in with Radu.
Alex Scott could be a mega transfer and if we look back to January, that window probably saved them because they made some quality signings. I think Billing will be a talisman for them as well. Solanke is immense and his hold up play is great. I think they will basically do a Brentford and establish themselves in the league.
My prediction: 20th
Charley’s prediction: 11th
Arsenal
My thoughts: In contrast to the last team, Charley and I both fully agree on this one.
I’ve been impressed with Arsenal’s signings this summer. Rice is a quality player who will undoubtedly improve the side; his performance at Anfield was the best I saw from an opposition player in all the games I watched live. Havertz provides improved backup to Jesus not only in case of an injury, but also in terms of offering something different with his height. He could also play behind Jesus and is still a quality player despite a lot of unnecessary and harsh criticism.
Timber is also a neat signing, and it generally seems to me that The Gunners aren’t settling for another repeat of last season, they want to go to the next level. A lot of people think they will fall off a cliff but I struggle to see why.
I don’t think they’ll win the league, but only because of what’s standing in their way.
AFTV may be long gone, but I don’t see many see many ‘disappointing performances’ for Arsenal this season.
Charley’s thoughts: I like Arsenal’s signings. Rice is a massive buy for them. I think they’ve solidified their defence with Timber, but Havertz I feel is a weird transfer.
They’re after Raya and I think it would be very beneficial having that added competition for Ramsdale, especially with them being very different types of keepers. I like that Arsenal have had a good season and their owners have backed them in the transfer window to try and get them to that next level.
My only worry with Arsenal is that their depth just doesn’t match up with Man City’s. You look at how Saliba’s injury impacted them last season and think what’s preventing something like that happening again? I think City will always have that edge over them in terms of squad depth which is why I’ve put them ahead of Arsenal.
My prediction: 2nd
Charley’s prediction: 2nd
Aston Villa
My thoughts: I think Aston Villa are the dark horses this year for chasing down a top four finish. I rate Unai Emery, and I think he did an excellent job last season. Indeed, Aston Villa were in ‘top four form’ in the second half of last season, and outplayed an impressive Newcastle side (okay, not in the game on the weekend). They were excellent at Anfield until they decided to focus all their attention of timewasting (although they remained robust and impressive defensively in that time as well)
They’ve made some smart buys and I think Moussa Diaby could be a huge hit.
And fundamentally, they haven’t lost anyone important, perhaps because their impressive season went more under the radar than someone like Brighton’s. I like the look of Villa this season.
Yes, this prediction was clearly made before the Newcastle game. Cheers Unai.
Charley’s thoughts: The key point with Villa is that they haven’t sold anyone, apart from the fact they let Young go. Diaby has been brought in but could he be another Leon Bailey?
Pau Torres is a good signing and the return of Carlos will be like a new signing as well. I think they’re the kind of team that would try and win the conference league and that could affect their league position, especially as they aren’t the strongest in terms of squad depth.
My prediction: 5th
Charley’s prediction: 9th
Brentford
My thoughts: There’s almost always one team that no one expects to go down but ends up falling into the drop zone. Last season it was Leicester. No, I don’t think it will be Brentford this season. But I put the bottom last year. Genius.
I can see them having a similar season to last year, just one of those teams there isn’t too much to say about. I’m sure they would be happy with another mid table finish. No majorly significant outgoings or incomings, although they might struggle without Ivan Toney for a significant chunk of the season.
They are tough to beat and absolute masters of shithousery. I’m already dreading the 17th February.
Charley’s thoughts: Brentford will just coast. They’ve added a little to the squad but a little is all they needed and I think the signings they’ve made are decent, especially Collins. Now Toney’s out I think you’ll really see the best of Mbuemo.
My prediction: 11th
Charley’s prediction: 10th
Brighton
My thoughts: As I’m writing this, the Caicedo saga is unfolding. Either way, it looks like he is definitely leaving. That is very bad news for Brighton. Mac Allister and Caicedo have gone, as has their main keeper, but they have brought in Dahoud, Milner, and Joao Pedro. Great signings, as you would expect from Brighton.
They still have an excellent manager and a lot of quality in their squad. A European adventure also awaits, in which squad depth will be important. I think Brighton have that.
But they can also piss off if they beat us again. Sick of the sight of them.
Charley’s thoughts: Mac Allister could be a huge miss for them, but Dahoud and Milner are really smart signings. Pedro is a proper striker and given De Zerbi made Welbeck look as good as he has done, imagine what he could do with Pedro- he could turn him into a monster.
Kudus might still come in as well and he’s a quality player. I think Brighton have a better squad than Villa so I expect them to finish above Emery’s side as well. So much young talent as well- I am a big fan of Brighton!
My prediction: 6th
Charley’s prediction: 7th
Burnley
My thoughts: I’m excited to see a reinvented, progressive Burnley, led by a young and promising manager. Quite a contrast to the last Burnley we saw: shithouse football masterminded by a gravelly no-nonsense boomer (I do actually quite like Dychey by the way- what a character).
The question is will it be as successful (which for years it, was) and this might be a more risky prediction, especially because it’s such a young squad and a they’ve lost some of the players they had on loan, but I still think Kompany’s side will have a strong campaign. They’ve also just bought Sander Berge which a brilliant signing that not only strengthens themselves but also weakens their rivals.
I think they are by far the strongest of the promoted teams, but not only because they won the league- the winners of the Championship aren’t always necessarily the best performing promoted team in the Premier League. See Norwich, Norwich, and Norwich. But I don’t think Burnley will be added to that list.
Charley’s thoughts: I think where Burnley might struggle is that they’ve signed a lot of players, similar to Nottingham Forest last season, and potentially still adding more. They’ve lost quite a few players that were on loan so obviously they needed replacing, but that’s still a lot of time required to be integrating all of those players.
I like the manager and the style Vincent Kompany is aiming for, it’s going to be a different Burnley to what we’ve seen in the past and that’s intriguing. I’ll be rooting for them.
Trafford is a really interesting signing, I’m a big fan of his, he is a great keeper and was immense at the Euros, but I also think it’s a big risk given his age.
My prediction: 12th
Charley’s prediction: 15th
Chelsea
My thoughts: To me, this is the hardest team to predict, alongside Spurs. Obviously, some quality players, but coming off the back of an awful season, and so far, an insane and fundamentally, failing ownership model.
They could literally finish anywhere between 15th and 2nd. They looked awful last season, especially towards the end, but then again, they have some extremely talented footballers. I’m really struggling with this one, so I’m going to say they will improve slightly, but not that much.
I give Poch about seven games before Todd decides it’s time to go and recruits Frank Lampard back in.
Charley’s thoughts: Chelsea haven’t got European football which is huge and they do have a very strong squad, especially in terms of depth.
I like all of their signings; I still think they need a proper goalscorer but Jackson could end up being that, so I think they will get top four this season.
My prediction: 7th
Charley’s prediction: 3rd
Crystal palace
My thoughts: Okay, this is by some way, my boldest shout. I’m calling Crystal Palace as this year’s Leicester City.
An outdated manager, they’ve just lost their talisman (who I do know was fading, but I think Mattheus Franca is too raw to fill his shoes right now), the squad lacks depth, it lacks goals, and apart from Guehi, Olise, and Eze (one or more of which could still leave) lacks quality.
This will sound daft, but I don’t actually think Palace will go down. I’m trying to predict something unpredictable, because that’s how the Premier League works. If I wanted to play it safe, I would choose Luton to go down over Palace. But I always like to throw in some surprises; last year, some worked out, and some didn’t. Admittedly, this probably won’t, but I think there is some sound logic behind it.
I am fully prepared for Woy to make me look like a wight mug, just like he did last season.
Charley’s thoughts: I think Palace will be fine, I’m expecting a similar story to last season. They will got through patches when they’re terrible and also patches where they keep losing.
They’ve replaced Zaha with Matheus Franca who I admit I don’t know a huge amount about, apart from that he was great on football manager for me! But I think he could be good for them, as we’ve seen with some of the other players that have arrived from Brazil.
They’ve got Olise and Eze, who are absolutely quality players, and Lerma is a great piece of business. But they still need a striker.
They’ll go under the radar and scrape a few draws, and finish mid table.
My prediction: 18th
Charley’s prediction: 12th
Everton
My thoughts: I think Sean Dyche is a good manager and he did a good job with Everton last season. Unfortunately, I think The Toffee’s period of flirting with relegation has come to an end. If it didn’t happen last season, or the season before, it’s because it’s just not going to happen.
I think their home crowd helps them a lot, so it will be interesting to see what happens when they move to their new stadium. I don’t rate their business very highly, but admittedly I don’t know much about Youssef Chermiti. Well, okay, I know shit all.
I think Everton will be rubbish, but not too rubbish. Come to think of it, that should be the club’s slogan.
Charley’s thoughts: Everton still worry me. I’m really not convinced by any of their signings. They don’t seem to be adding to the defence any more which worries me as I think it’s one of the weakest in the league. Dyche will likely just about keep them up but they’re lucky that the teams below them seem to be in even worse states than they are!
My prediction: 13th
Charley’s prediction: 17th
Fulham
My thoughts: I think Fulham did a lot better than everyone expected last season; they were a very solid side that did not get battered in a single game of Premier League football; they constantly produced closely contested games.
That’s largely because Marco Silva is an excellent manager, who made smart signings an sets up his side so that they are very hard to beat. Palhinha was immense last season, but is injured and will miss the start of this campaign. Their signings don’t excite me much, and it looks like Mitrovic could be on the way out. So I don’t think they will be near the European slots, but it will still be a good season for The Cottages.
Long gone are the days of automatically putting Fulham in your relegation zone for your Premier League predictions.
Charley’s thoughts: Towards the end of last season Fulham started to struggle especially because of the situation surrounding Mitrovic. Then this summer there’s been problems again with him, as he’s been wanting a move to Saudi Arabia, and then there was something with Marco Silva so he might also be a bit unsettled, and Adebayo also wants to leave.
Bassey is a good signing but I think he is quite error prone and it’ll be a big step up. Jimenez isn’t exactly a top class purchase. I worry for them but I think they’ll manage to pick it up towards the end of the season after a slow start.
My prediction: 10th
Charley’s prediction: 16th
Liverpool
My thoughts: Time for my boys.
This is difficult because Liverpool’s business is not complete, I still have no idea where Caicedo is going, and that could massively changes the picture. Sign a class defensive midfielder and a quality defender, and I think Liverpool could challenge for the title, if they are lucky with injuries.
But those are big ifs, and I think it would be unfair to make predictions on the basis of something that hasn’t happened yet. But because Liverpool have now made it clear that they are willing to spend a lot of money on the right players this summer, I have made a small change to my prediction for this one since the initial podcast.
I think The Reds will score a hell of a lot of goals; their attacking options and the way they play, is insane. But on the other hand, they will leak too many opportunities and too many goals. At least that’s what preseason suggested.
I think it could be similar to 17/18 in that sense, but with more control, and hopefully, more success. It’s still somewhat transitional to me and this is a very complex system that Jurgen Klopp is trying to refine. There’s been a big clear out, including the captain, so there is a feel of a new era. Europa League football is not ideal but may help the side concentrate on the league.
There is some incredible young talent in the squad, and I am very excited for the next few seasons, even if they aren’t quite up to a title challenge this season.
I’ll be doing write-ups on all the LFC games this season, and I hope unlike last season, they won’t be frequently described as rants.
Charley’s thoughts: Liverpool were early with their first two signings but nothing has happened since then. I think the problem with The Reds is that they choose to focus on one signing at a team and that really makes things drag in the transfer market. They seem to put all their eggs in Lavia’s basket and now that’s fallen through, you just wonder what the next move is and if it’s too late.
The defence is also a concern; Matip is not the player he was and Gomez is not convincing to me. Right back is a concern, because I think there’s a real issue if Trent isn’t available.
But what do they do have is an insane number of goals in them; the attacking talent is ridiculous. Their transfer policy has been very confusing to me as well as worrying, but I think they will get top four.
My prediction: 3rd
Charley’s prediction: 4th
Luton
My thoughts: This season’s underdogs! I wish it was Coventry that had gotten promoted, but I am still excited to see if Luton can pull of a miracle.
From what I saw of them last season, they are an extremely physical team. Fast, strong, aggressive. But potentially lacking on the technical side. Although in fairness, they’ve signed Ross Barkley on a free, which could be a useful acquisition, especially in the technical department.
Maybe it’s just the part of me that loves a bit of romance in football, maybe it’s just me listening to my heart over my head, but I think Luton could pull off a Huddersfield.
Charley doesn’t. Heartless freak.
Charley’s thoughts: I can’t see Luton staying up, as much as I would love them to, because it would be a great story. I think they will battle and might come close; I expect them to play the same system they did in the Championship and in fairness that can work sometimes.
I think Luton have good players, but they are good Championship players. They might throw in a few surprises and I think they’re capable of beating some of the big teams, but I don’t think they will be competitive enough throughout the season and I think they will go back down.
My prediction: 17th
Charley’s prediction: 18th
Manchester City
My thoughts: Boring fuckers. They will win everything again. Piss off.
Charley’s thoughts: Until City signed Gvardiol, I was tempted to put Arsenal in first. But he is a monster; he reminds me of when Liverpool signed Van Dijk. He’s left footed, strong, quick, everything you need in a centre back.
I think now that defence is so incredible, so solid. Stones will transition more into a defensive midfield role. They’ve lost a couple of clutch players which would be my only concern, and I think Foden struggles with being clinical at key points in games.
But I still think it’ll be City’s year again because of their immense squad depth.
My prediction: 1st
Charley’s prediction: 1st
Manchester United
My thoughts: Always a tricky one, because I don’t want to be too biased against them. I underestimated them last year, as I didn’t see the Ronaldo saga unfolding the way it did, and predictably, it massively helped the club.
This year I hope I’m overestimating them. I know nothing about Hojland, apart from that they probably signed him in the hope that because his name sounds like Haaland, maybe he’ll be as good as Haaland. Probably doesn’t work like that though.
He certainly seems like a gamble, but Mount is a quality signing and it was definitely time to move on from De Gea. They seemed to master the jammy win last season, and I wonder if that will continue (it was certainly back in full force against Wolves). I just don’t see how they could be significantly worse this year, so I’m putting them in around the same position.
Rumours that this is me attempting to jinx United with my awful track record can neither be confirmed nor denied.
Charley’s thoughts: Their signings haven’t blown me away. Their defence is okay, but not strong enough to mount (Mason) a challenge for the title. Rasmus Højlund could prove to be a great signing in a few years but ultimately Man United have paid 72 million for someone who scored nine goals last season.
I don’t think Mount will suit them, although I do like him as a player. But he is versatile so that could work nicely in Ten Haag’s side, and Onana is a good keeper but I think he might be a bit suspect, and he’s yet another player in that side with attitude problems.
They’re back in the Champions League, but I don’t think they have a very strong squad, unlike Chelsea, so that’s why I’ve put Pochettino’s side above them.
My prediction: 4th
Charley’s prediction: 5th
Newcastle
My thoughts: Eddie Howe was my manager of the season last year, but I just wonder if his squad is ready for Champions League football at this early stage. Squad depth could be a concern.
I think Newcastle will still be a strong side, especially at first, and flirt with top four, but ultimately run out of legs. I also think Tonali might flop; it seems to me that he doesn’t even want to be there, so there’s definitely a concern around attitude, and he could potentially be too lightweight (I know, great start!). But, granted, Barnes is an excellent replacement for Saint-Maximin.
Could Loris Karius be starting in another Champions League final at the end of the season?
Charley’s thoughts: Tonali is good signing but I am worried for him; he’s not the quickest. But I think Barnes is an upgrade on Saint Maximin- he’s got better end product. Livramento will also help add depth to the squad now they’ve got Champions League football to contend with.
Their starting XI is very strong and their depth is good, so it’s a tough call between them, Villa, Spurs, Chelsea and Brighton!
My prediction: 7th
Charley’s prediction: 6th
Nottingham Forest
My thoughts: Disclaimer, this is Charley’s team. While he said he couldn’t really argue with me if I was to send them down, I actually think another Marinakis masterclass awaits.
Backing his manager last season proved to be the key to survival, and assuming he does so again, I think Forest will just about survive again. Elanga is a good singing, but Chris Wood is a terrible signing.
The defence needs work. Scoring goals wasn’t too much of an issue last season, and I don’t think it will be this season either, but I can see them shipping far too many again this year, starting with what I’m guessing will be an absolute stuffing against Arsenal in their first game.
If it was a regular season, I’d probably send them down, but I think the standard of the Premier League this season is unusually low at the bottom end of the table, and there’s at least six teams in danger.
If we were rating managers looks, Forest would definitely bottom of my table. But for this one, I’m putting them just above the drop zone.
Charley’s thoughts: These are my boys, and I have to say, I like it.
We have lost a lot of players, like Lingard, players that we just signed last year because we were worried. I think we’ve got a tighter squad and towards the end of last season, finally settled on a starting XI, which is probably what saved us!
Chris Wood is a very weird signing- I guess he’s just a tall striker that offers you something different off the bench. Elanga on the other hand I think is a great signing for 15 million. He’s really quick and he’s got experience at the highest level in Europe.
We are looking at another centre back and the keeper issue a bit worrying. We’ve got Turner but I think we are still looking at bringing in Dean Henderson again. Similar to last season, I reckon we’ll just about stay up, but maybe become even more solid and settle on a more consistent lineup.
My prediction: 16th
Charley’s prediction: 14th
Sheffield United
My thoughts: It seems to me that Sheffield United are this year’s unanimous write-off. Every prediction I’ve seen has said that Sheffield will go down. Which almost certainly means they will now have a great season.
I can understand why though; there’s just nothing really exciting about the team. The way they came up, the fact they’ve lost key players (as mentioned, namely Sander Berge), they’ve not brought anyone particularly noteworthy in as far as I can tell, and to be honest, their team doesn’t look that different or fundamentally, better to when they last went down!
It seems like a long time ago that there whispers of them getting a spot in the top four of the Premier League.
Charley’s thoughts: They’ve come up and they haven’t signed anyone really, and they’ve sold two of their best players. I don’t think they’ve shown any ambition having come up and are stuck with a bare bones squad. They’ve almost got a worse squad than they did in the Championship!
Sheffield have also lost some of their important squad players as well like Sharp and O’Connell so for me they are clearly the team to finish bottom.
My prediction: 19th
Charley’s prediction: 20th
Spurs
My thoughts: I like Ange as a person, but I’m not convinced about him managerially. I think he could be good in time, but this season might be more transitional, especially now they’ve lost Harry Kane. That is a massive blow.
But on the other hand they have made some great signings and I’m sure they will be looking to replace Kane- however, those will be big shoes to fill.
Similar to Chelsea- hard to predict, so I think they will be better than last season (not neccesarrily in terms of position, just performance), but still not top four. The process will require patience. Ange needs to get work on despursifying the spursiness of Spurs before they can get anywhere.
I do like Postecoglou and I want him to do well, but not at the expense of Liverpool!
Charley’s thoughts: I think Spurs will battle for Europe but they still need centre backs.
I’m actually really intrigued by. them They could have a stinker on the one hand but on the other, they may surprise everyone and be brilliant. I love the Maddison signing.
If used right, their wingbacks could be threatening. Van der Ven and Vicario are interesting; they’re potentially risky signings yet most likely will turn out well. They can’t be any worse than who they’re replacing anyway!
My prediction: 8th
Charley’s prediction: 8th
West Ham
My thoughts: I think West Ham could have a very difficult start to the season and Moyes not be in the job for very long. There seems to be a conflict between him and those above him; Moyes is thinking short term as this looks set to be his last season, so he is looking at established Premier League players like Harry Maguire, whereas the directors prefer younger long term prospects.
That kind of disharmony, in addition to losing their best player in Declan Rice, spells out a tricky season to me. Alvarez is a solid replacement, but they still lack a proper, consistent striker. I don’t think they’re in any real danger, but I don’t think they’re in for a great season either.
Maybe it’s just the fact that I don’t see a world in which the London Stadium is a Championship football stadium. Imagine West Ham going down and Luton staying up.
Charley’s thoughts: Alvarez is a good signing but I still think they need more players. They’re in desperate need of a striker especially after Scamacca has left.
I think West Ham will struggle especially at first, but they should have quite a bit of money in the bank to spend in January, even more so if they don’t manage to complete more signings before the end of this window. So, I think they’ll get better as the season goes on, but it also depends on how they fare in the Europa League.
My prediction: 15th
Charley’s prediction: 13th
Wolves
My thoughts: Last, and for some, least as well. On paper, it’s not looking good for Wolves at all.
It would be very easy to predict them to go down, but almost too easy. The club is a bit of a mess, but they have now got Gary O’Neil in charge, and I've already made me thoughts on him clear. It’s been a bad transfer window, but I’m assuming one or two more players will be brought in before the window ends. This certainly isn’t the Wolves we used to see in The Premier League.
But, like he did last season, I think Gary can work his magic again.
Charley’s thoughts: This is my outside shout for relegation. They are a club in turmoil. They’ve sold a lot of players, looking like they’re in financial trouble. Their signings aren’t anything special and they’ve lost a lot of their starters from last season. It’s not a great squad.
My prediction: 14th
Charley’s prediction: 19th
So, with all that said, here are out final predictions in full:
My predictions:
Man City
Arsenal
Liverpool
Man United
Aston Villa
Brighton
Newcastle
Spurs
Chelsea
Fulham
Brentford
Burnley
Everton
Wolves
West Ham
Nottingham Forest
Luton
Crystal Palace
Sheffield United
Bournemouth
Charley’s predictions:
Man City
Arsenal
Chelsea
Liverpool
Man United
Newcastle
Brighton
Spurs
Villa
Brentford
Bournemouth
Crystal Palace
West Ham
Nottingham Forest
Burnley
Fulham
Everton
Luton
Wolves
Sheffield United